


Everything

by breatherepeat



Category: Dan Howell and Phil Lester - Fandom, Phan, dan and phil, phanfiction - Fandom
Genre: 2009!phan, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Falling In Love, Family Feels, Healing, M/M, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-06
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-04-25 02:42:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4943608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The beginning of a love story. Dan never realized how depressed he was until Phil showed him true happiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dan realized something was headed toward him two seconds before it made contact with his head and he was not prepared to defend himself. Feeling the soft pillow smack him across the side of his head, he forced himself out of his daze and glared at the pillow throwing assailant.

"What have I told you about coming into my room?" Dan sat down the game controller that had probably been resting in his hands, unused, for more than thirty minutes while the game sat paused in front of him. Rising from the overstuffed pillow on the floor, Dan stared expectantly at his brother. 

"Mum said we have to eat with her tonight. Since Dad is away and all." His brother raised his hands and backed away toward the door slowly, mocking Dan by acting overly sorry for his trespassing. "Far be it from me to intrude on your 'special fantasy time.'"

"Out!" Dan took two large steps toward him and watched as his brother ran off laughing, likely headed straight for their mother and to tell her Dan had shouted at him.

Reaching down for the controller, Dan saved the game and looked around his room. It was getting darker outside which meant it was almost time for Phil to text him. He had told Dan last night that he had work to finish and he would text when he was through. Dan told him he would be able to talk whenever Phil was able, for his days didn't have hours anymore, just Phil time and not Phil time.

Checking his phone just in case, Dan tried to not act disappointed when all he saw was the time staring back at him. Taking three deep breaths, he began his descent to the dinner table. 

Smiling at his mother as he sat down, Dan then turned his eyes to his plate and pushed around the potatoes as he faintly listened to his brother waffle on about school or football or whatever else had captured his attention this week. Normally he would join in on the conversation and tease his brother a bit, but it felt like too much effort.

His mother had made something he would have loved a few days ago, now food had no taste. Everything was bland and looked disgusting. Every now and then, he put something into his mouth, knowing otherwise his mother would begin to question him and he was not ready to answer her. How could he even begin to explain it to her when he hadn't even sorted it out himself?

 

He began questioning his sexuality years ago; crushes on lads that went beyond 'hey, he seems decent' and ventured into 'I wonder what his lips taste like?' Which was very confusing because he was also having the same thoughts about girls, just the pronouns were changed.

Back then, sad, chubby, teenage-angst Dan, was never brave enough to act on these "gay" thoughts. He already was known by a variety of savory names such as emo twat and his favorite, gaywad. So he did what everyone else did, slimmed down and found himself a girlfriend. She was nice and pretty. She smelled and tasted good. She was a laugh. She was safe and he loved her for all of the "normal" qualities she possessed.

At first he thought Phil was a bit strange. Who posts videos of themselves on the internet doing bizarre things in their bedroom? Yet,somehow, he kept watching and soon the strange guy was popping up in his head randomly throughout the day. Small situations would trigger a thought and he wondered what Phil would say about it or if he would make a video about it. He wondered how Phil would respond if he replied to a video with his thoughts. Maybe he would reply back? The idea would bring a smile to his face and one of his family would ask him why he was stood smiling at the stove or the family dog.

The worst time though was when he was kissing his girlfriend and his mind went to Phil. He must have stopped kissing her because soon he had a very mad girlfriend storming out of his room.

The first time Phil replied to him, after the initial internal fangirl freak out, he had a permanent grin on his face for the whole rest of the day and avoided all human interaction as to not be questioned.

Soon, Phil DM'ed him and they began talking fairly regular. Dan still had his little fangirl moments when he couldn't believe AmazingPhil was talking to him, but they began to develop a honest friendship. It was amazing how much they had in common and how easy it was to talk to him. They could go on and on about Pokémon or a video game or an anime and never tire of the conversation like his other friends or girlfriend would. His other friends who were becoming fewer and fewer as he began to distance himself from people from school. And his girlfriend who was becoming more and more busy every time Dan remembered to text her back.

Their first Skype call was a bit awkward, the lag that night between both of their internet connections made the experience even more awkward than it should have been. After a few brief Skype interactions, they found the comfort level that their texts and messages had and Dan found their conversations stretching longer and longer. He had always been a night person and staying awake to talk with Phil became a nightly ritual. 

More than a few times Dan woke in the late morning to find he had fallen asleep with his laptop. Once he found Phil cuddled up with a pillow, sound asleep on his computer screen. Most other times, he found Phil had signed off sometime early in the morning before he had to leave the house for the day. On those mornings, Dan would find a text on his phone wishing him a good day. 

Dan felt that Phil wanted more from their friendship. He was becoming more flirty and cheeky with this texts. Talking more on Skype about being able to meet in person. Making Dan smile by saying he had waited all day to talk to him and that talking to Dan was always the highlight of his day. Dan wasn't positive; however, it looked like Phil blushed when he would tell him this. Verbalizing all the thoughts Dan had inside his head but was too afraid to say out loud for fear Phil would go away. Phil didn't pressure him to say the same things back, but soon Dan, also blushing and looking down at the keyboard, said talking to Phil was the only thing had made him happy anymore.

His girlfriend was tired of being ignored and told Dan they had drifted apart. Dan agreed without argument and they broke up officially; however, Dan, if he was honest with her, had ended the relationship emotionally weeks prior.

They figured Dan could tell his parents he was visiting Manchester to tour the university and stay a few days with Phil. Since Dan was showing interest in university, any university, his parents were more than happy to pay for the train ticket and happily bought his 'I'm staying with a mate from school' story.

 

"Daniel!"

He shook his head slightly and allowed his eyes to focus on his mother and brother.

"What?" He asked quietly. His head hurt from thinking too much.

"Your brother asked you a question." His mother answered with a frustrated tone. "I would like for you to pay attention to us given you haven't had a meal with us in four days."

"Sorry." Dan looked down to his plate and avoided their eyes. It was too bright in the room and, now that all the attention was on him, too quiet. "I don't believe I'm feeling well."

"I haven't seen you eat anything proper in ages." His mum's tone soften. "And you always seem fatigued."

Perfect, now he had triggered her mothering instinct and he would have to come up with something. But how could he explain it to her? I met his guy online, Mum. I lied to you and Dad and met him in Manchester. We kissed for hours and touched each other all over. Almost had sex but stopped ourselves because it felt too soon. He is perfect and makes me feel perfect. And now I can't function.

 

Meeting Phil in person ruined everything.

Now he knew how he smelled.

He knew how he sounded and looked like in real life.

And how he felt.

And how he _tasted_.

He had a whole visceral sensory experience and now his body was left with nothing except some pixels on an old laptop screen and sound from his old speakers.

Pixelated Phil was nothing compared to the real Phil.

Dan never realized how miserable he was until he had to leave Phil. Being with Phil had shed light on how much he was just going through the motions at home. He never realized he could feel so much for one person. He loved his ex-girlfriend and thought he was happy with her at the time, but being with Phil made that love seem childish. All the feelings he had for online Phil intensified once he could hold real life Phil in his arms.

They kissed, and touched, and cuddled, both hesitant about moving too fast given the intense emotions both of them were experiencing. They didn't speak of love or the future. Both avoided the fact this was only for a few days and they would have to split again. Both scared to frighten the other away, so they spent their time fused together and ignored the inevitable parting. 

"I can't let go." Dan bit his lip to hold back the tears already threatening to fall as he wrapped his arms tighter around Phil's back and burrowed into Phil's shoulder. They fit against one another so well. 

"This is only the first good-bye." Phil tightened his grip as well and buried his head into Dan's hair. "We will have more."

"Why are you not helping?" Dan laughed weakly and pulled back to wipe his eyes with the back of his hands. His train would be arriving shortly and more people were arriving, crowding the area they were both crying in. "I must look a mess."

"You look beautiful." Phil felt himself blush as he brushed down some stray hairs on Dan's head. "And I meant, this is only our first meeting. There will be more."

"But when? My parents are not going to believe I'm visiting university every week." Dan wiped way more tears and hated how whining and childish his voice sounded. They were getting a few stares around them, but Dan didn't care. His chest felt like it was going to cave in so they could just deal with it.

"It will sort itself out." Phil smiled and pulled Dan close again as he heard the announcement for Dan's train. "I could always visit you."

"Oi, that is a right laugh." Dan smiled into Phil's neck, lightly kissing a spot that was still red from the night before, and whimpered a bit. "I promise you I'm not this weepy in real life."

"I don't mind." Phil kissed Dan's cheek and then his lips quickly. "I better go."

Biting his lip again, Dan nodded and turned to find a spot on the train. The first time he completely zoned out was on the train ride home. He remembered the training moving and turning away from the older lady who sat next to him despite the open seats in the car. The next was when the same lady touched his arm gently to inform him that the his train ticket said he was to exit the train here.

He attempted to keep himself together upon arriving back home. He showed his parents some pamphlets from the Manchester university and said he was going to apply. He kept the conversation short, telling them he needed a lie down after the long train ride and left his parents smiling in the lounge. 

Closing the door to his room, Dan sat on the floor and cried. It was cliché but his heart and head both felt too heavy. It was unfair that they lived so far away. He had a small taste of happiness and the universe ripped it away.

Skype calls became longer and Dan wouldn't let Phil sign off in the morning, preferring to wake to a dry-erase note from Phil or a stuffed animal in Phil's absence.

 

"Maybe because you stay up all night talking with that peadophile." His brother mumbled under his breath with a smirk.

"Peadophile?" His mother looked between her sons, becoming more and more frustrated with their silence. "Someone answer me!"

"He stays up all night talking to some tosser on the internet. I can hear him through the walls." His brother stared at Dan as he continued. "Sometimes I hear other sounds too."

"Shut up! You do not!" Dan kicked his brother's leg under the table. Him and Phil never did that. They talked about it but both were too afraid of someone walking in or it looking unpleasant to the other person. Turning to his mother, Dan lowered his voice to almost a whisper as he forced the words out. "He doesn't know what he is saying. It isn't like that. It isn't."

Feeling both of their eyes on him and realizing he was struggling to breathe, Dan stood quickly and ignored his mother's attempts to have him return to the table.

Reaching for his phone in his room, he checked for messages and threw it on the bed when he found none. Pacing back and forth, he focused on allowing his breathing to match the rise and fall of his feet. As he waited for his mother's knock, he went through a million scenarios he could use to explain himself out of the embarrassing situation his brother threw him in. 

Dan wasn't sure if she was torturing him or allowing him time to calm down, but he paced the floor for over an hour talking to himself before he heard his mother at the door.

Turning on his TV, Dan muted it on some random channel and took a deep breath before opening the door. Stepping back, he allowed his mother to enter.

After rocking on the sides of his feet for a few seconds, he shut the door and followed his mother's lead and sat on the bed.

"I realize you probably do not want to have this chat with me. However, I need you to explain this to me." His mother smiled gently and reached for his hand. Holding it in her own, she took a breath and asked, "Are you on drugs?"

"Oh my God!" Dan pulled his hand away from her and sat back further away. Leaning against the wall, Dan raised his long legs and hugged them to his chest.

"Maybe I started with the wrong question. Let me try again." Turning to face him, she asked without emotion. "Are you gay?"

Feeling heat raising in his chest and his hands starting to tremble, Dan he shook his head 'no' and avoid his mother's eyes. He was crying and he hated it.

"Next question. Are you speaking with a man on the internet?" Her tone stayed neutral given the reaction her last question had on her son. She had been concerned about his behavior for some time and had many conversations with his father about it; however, they both figured it was Dan's way of dealing with sorting out what he wanted to do with his life. He didn't seem particularly interested in any coursework or vocation and now was the time to be deciding the course of his life.

"His name is Phil." Dan hated how shaky his voice was. Wiping his eyes, he continued to stare at the muted television program as he continued. "He is a mate. We have a friend in common. We like the same things. The mate is the one I stayed with in Manchester."

Sighing, his mother shifted closer to him and ignored when he flinched away from her hand on his leg. "You are lying to me."

Meeting her eyes, Dan resorted to his last tactic and challenged her. "Why would I lie?"

"Because I'm your mum and this is a proper embarrassing conversation to have with your mum. Should we talk about safe sex next?" Pausing as she watched him roll his eyes, she continued. "You want to know a secret? I worry about you. That is not the secret, by the way. I hear you sometimes pacing the floor. I notice the way you are withdrawing from your mates and us. I saw you un-pause a video game the other day when I walked into the room. Before that, you sat there staring at the screen with no expression on your face. I see you are not eating. And the secret is, I saw Phil the other morning. He was asleep on the computer screen and you were asleep with the laptop on your chest. He looked sweet. You don't both fall asleep talking to a mate."

Lowering his legs down and crossing them, Dan wiped a stray tear quickly and then focused on pulling at a loose string on his bed. Keeping his eyes down, Dan asked after a few minutes, "And what are your thoughts on that information?"

"Are you happy?" She asked with tears in her own eyes. "You don't seem happy anymore."

"I miss him." Dan pulled too hard on the string and the duvet began to unravel. Stopping his action, Dan briefly looked at his mother and then away. He hated when she cried, especially when he was the cause of it. "The truth is, I met him on the internet. We have common interests. We began to talk and we found we liked talking with each other. When I was in Manchester, I stayed with him. At his parents' house. They were away. I was happy there. He makes me happy. And then I had to come back here and sort out my life. I don't know what I want to do with myself. That and missing him, I've been..."

"Depressed?" His mother offered and Dan answered with a shrug.

"He is just so wonderful, Mum." Dan began to tear again. "I hurt for him and it is terrifying. How am I going to live my life like this?"

"May I?" She tentatively asked with her arms outstretched and was rewarded by Dan wrapping his arms around her. Rocking him gently as she hugged him just as tight, "Oh, my little pooh bear. You got your head into a bother." 

"I'm not a child. That is not going to work anymore." Dan smiled as he tears slowed down and he felt his breathing even out. He missed the simplicity of young childhood and how his Mum's hugs would make the world right again.

"You will always be my child and my pooh bear." She continued to rock him until she could no longer feel him trembling.

"I have a proposal." His mother pulled back and waited for her son to wipe his tears and fix his hair.

"Such as?" Dan took a deep breath and decided to play along. It couldn't get any worse than being called a poof by your brother over tea and balling his eyes out as he mother rocked him.

"I would like to meet this Phil." Holding her hands up, she stopped Dan from interpreting her, "On the internet is fine. Just a quick 'hello and how do you do?' and then I will pay for a holiday to visit him. I'll give you train fare and some spending money. How about that?"

"After the way I have been acting, you want to spend me on holiday with my boyfriend?" Dan asked in disbelief.

"Is he your boyfriend now? Oh love, love does all sorts of unusual things to perfectly rational people." Smiling, she looked around his room. "On second thought, you need to tidy this room as well." 

"Thank you." Dan said sincerely and hugged her again. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

"I just don't know what we will tell your father." His mother laughed. "Serves him right for having a business trip tonight."

"Do we have to tell him?" Dan felt the previous heat in his chest return. He had heard some of the comments his father had made about other men in his situation and he wasn't ready for him to think that about his own son. He was already such a disappointment to him.

"We will call it a celebration holiday for being accepted to uni. Call it an early gift."

 

That night on Skype, Dan's mother met Phil for the second time. Dan could tell Phil was nervous but he was trying to hide it. His mother stayed true to her word and soon Dan was left alone with Phil.

"I guess I need to send your brother a thank you note." Phil laughed as he sat back on his bed and allowed all the nervous energy to fade. "He outed you and you get a holiday. And better yet, I get to see you."

"You don't need to send the little shit anything." Dan copied Phil's lead and laid down on his bed, adjusting the pillow behind his head and then his hair, Dan told Phil about his brother implying he had heard sex noises.

"We could give him some noises to report." Phil laughed as he saw Dan's face go red. Dan wasn't comfortable with naked Skyping and had repeatedly told Phil that it was not an option. "Sorry, sorry, you have had a night and I shouldn't wind you up."

"I have had days and days." Dan lowered his voice, feeling the euphoria from having his mother accept his relationship with Phil and offering to fund their next meeting leave him. "I miss you. I sound like that whinny bitch I told you I wasn't again, don't I?"

"I miss you." Phil gave a sad smile to the screen. "Soon we will meet again. Let's sort out everything we will do."

"I'm going to hug you and never let go. Plans sorted." Dan raised his laptop to pull his blankets up. "We can stay in your room the whole time and make sex noises."

"I would love that." Phil blushed as Dan stopped the straightening of his blankets and looked up. "I'm serious. Plans sorted." 

"Plans sorted." Dan gave him a genuine smile and then asked how his day was. The two spoke until around three before Dan fell asleep listening to Phil read to him the latest book he was obsessed with.

"Dan?" Phil asked slowly. Waiting a few minutes, Phil closed the book when he got no reply. "Sleep well."

Taking off his glasses, Phil put his laptop down on a spot where it wouldn't overheat and Dan could see him in the morning if he woke first. Sighing into his pillow, Phil smiled as he fell off into his own sleep.


	2. Our Love's a Monster with Two Heads

Phil and the other audience members startled hearing a loud clash of thunder encircle the circus tent and the sudden, loud noise briefly interrupted the dancing bears on fire. Once the noise left, Phil returned his attention to the family of bears and belly-laughed as one of the cubs transformed into Britney Spears. Adjusting her too-small glittery top, Britney took a bow and swayed her hips cheekily. Before she could take a second bow, she jumped as the loud thunder enclosed around the colorful tent again.

"What a strange noise!" Britney laughed loudly as her face began to melt off; her eyes, mouth and nose dripping and ruining her glittery top. Without warning, the rest of the bear family attacked the melting entertainer and began to eat her limbs, much to the delight of the circus crowd.

Feeling slightly disturbed, Phil turned to the old woman sat beside him and asked if she knew where the sound was coming from (for the elderly are wise and know all- his grandmum had told him so).

The greyed hair lady, who now that he was looking closer appeared to be The Queen, smacked her small white clutch into Phil's chest and answered stoically, "It is your mobile device, you wanker." 

Finally waking to hear his mobile go silent again, Phil pushed the pile of blankets off and blindly reached for his phone. His right hand made contact with something on his nightstand and then Phil pushed the object off the stand and cursed realizing it was his glasses.

Removing himself from the bed, Phil lowered himself to the cold floor and cautiously used both of his hands to search for his glasses. Nine times out of ten he found himself searching for his glasses in the morning; however, he normally did not have a ringing phone to distract his efforts. Finding them underneath his bed, with a few objects he confirmed were dusty socks after putting his glasses on, Phil began the search for his mobile.

As it began to ring anew, Phil oriented himself to the sound and reached across the nightstand to find the front lit up. Seeing Dan's name lit on screen, Phil pressed the answer button.

"'ello?" Phil's voiced sounded dry and deeper than usual given the morning hour.

"I'm outside. Your door." Dan's voice sounded distant through the phone despite his close proximity to Phil.

"Why didn't you use your key?" Phil asked rubbing his eyes underneath his glasses with his free hand. Holding out the phone, Phil saw that it was 6:34 in the morning. "And do you know what time it is?"

"I don't have the key and it is cold." Dan's voice had a broken tone to it. “Phil, just open the door please.”

Wondering if this was a continuation of his dream, Phil decided to play along and he made his way to the front door. Awkwardly saying goodbye to phone Dan and opening the door to winter coat and fluffy hat Dan, Phil smiled at the redness on Dan’s cheeks and nose. Dan stood still expressionless and hugged himself as Phil brushed off the remainder of the snow.

"Why are you here?" Phil asked, attempting to be causal. He was starting to become fully awake and the unusualness of Dan being at his flat so early in the morning without having stayed the night was sinking in.

"I am meant to be in class at eight but I didn't finish my paper. I didn't know what to write and I kept pushing it off. I told myself, and you, that I was going to write it last night and it didn't happen." Dan looked away from Phil as his eyes began to water. "Now I can't go to class. I don't remember coming here. I just found myself at your door and I don't have my keys. I tried to ring but it just kept going to voicemail."

Seeing he had seven missed calls from Dan on his phone, Phil stepped closer and hugged Dan close despite his backpack still being on and Dan’s small shivers. "I'm sorry. I was at a circus with The Queen, pyromaniac bears and Britney Spears." 

Weakly laughing, Dan tightened his hold on his boyfriend and snuggled his cold face into Phil's warm shoulder. "You are so strange."

"Go sit and I will make us a coffee." Phil reluctantly removed himself from Dan's still shivering form and rushed off to the kitchen area. Calling over his shoulder, Phil opened a few cabinets looking for his supplies, "Won't be but a minute."

 

The difference in age between Phil and Dan had never been an issue when they were together. A few of Phil's mates gave him grief when they found out he was dating someone just beginning university, but after meeting Dan and seeing the relationship dynamics, they said they understood. They just worked well together.

In the quiet of the night or after a long day apart, Phil would sometimes find his mind worrying about depriving Dan of a major milestone in his life. Dan was meant to be free to fully immerse himself in the university/first-time-away-from-parents experience and, at times, it felt like he was being deprived due to his relationship with Phil.

He didn’t need to venture out to find new friendships in the new city because he had Phil. He didn’t need to awkwardly flirt with people to find love and companionship because he had Phil.

Dan describes himself as an introvert with mild extrovert aspirations that never aspired due to his procrastination and general lack of motivation to exert effort. He told Phil he had everything he would ever need in life with Phil and the internet at his fingertips whenever he wanted. 

And Phil knew in his heart that it was by Dan’s choice alone and he was completely content with the way things were, but Dan also never wanted to spend time outside of school with his university peers. Dan literally spent all of his free time at Phil's apartment and interacted with Phil, and maybe some of Phil's friends if they came around, rather than making his own.

In those quiet moments, Phil wondered if Dan would ever grow to resent him. Dan wouldn’t have the same stories to tell about his university days due to their relationship. Dan isn’t getting to experiment with relationships to find what he truly needs and wants. Sure, he had a long-term girlfriend as a teenager, and a few kisses along the way; however, Dan never had a proper relationship before with another man or woman.

Not that Phil was the most experienced person either, but he had least had dates and heartache with a variety of different people before finding Dan.

What if one day Dan realizes how strange and also unspectacular his is and decides to leave?

Phil had originally suggested Dan move in with him upon moving to Manchester; however, Dan quickly stopped all talk of co-habitation. Dan's father still did not know about their relationship and his parents were helping fund Dan's university life. Dan said it would be rather impossible to explain to his father why Dan was moving into a one-bedroom flat with someone he seemly did not know. Phil knew Dan's relationship with his father was a difficult topic and he soon found that even though Dan had his own hall room, which he affectionately called his prison cell, he spent the majority of his time at Phil's apartment.

 

Sneaking into the bathroom, Phil quickly brushed his teeth and ran his fingers through his bed head before returning to the kitchen to finish with the coffees.

Carefully walking with the hot mugs, Phil focused all his attention on not slipping or running into something on the way back to Dan.

Dan sat on the small sofa with his bag, coat, and hat lying on the floor next to him. Dodging the added obstacles, Phil slowly placed one mug on Dan's side of the sofa and then one on his own side. Sitting on the sofa, Phil smiled into Dan's un-styled messy hair as Dan attached himself to his side and laid his head on Phil's pajama covered chest.

Dan let out a loud yawn and then burrowed in closer to Phil. Phil was warm and it felt nice to be close to him. He had forced himself to stay the night in the halls to finish the paper and spent the whole night listing video ideas. He honestly did not remember the journey to Phil's but he was happy his subconscious knew what he needed.

"As you going to use me as a human pillow?" Phil asked into Dan's hair as he kissed the back of his head. Feeling Dan nod his answer, Phil laughed quietly. "We could go back to bed if you want to sleep."

"Didn't sleep last night. Spent the whole night writing video ideas. At three I decided to read what I had. All involved you." Dan yawned again and his voice became quieter with each word. He was beginning to warm his body with Phil’s added heat and his mind began to settle knowing Phil was near.

"In what way?" Phil ran one hand up and down Dan's back in a steady rhythm. Dan always became extra sweet when he was tired and Phil could normally tap into the feelings Dan would be too embarrassed to voice when he was fully awake. In many ways, Dan and him were similar in that they had yet to fully find a strong self-concept of themselves.

"Reasons to love Philly. Why Phil is mine and you cannot have him. Family planning with Phillip." Dan sounded as if he was drifting off to sleep, each word taking longer and longer to complete. Dan attempted to curl his long legs closer to his body, but the angle was off and he did not find the action comfortable. “Carry me to bed and I will be your love slave.”

"Is this list by chance in your bag?" Phil asked running his fingers through Dan's hair. He ignored Dan’s last statement knowing that he was merely winding him up. Getting a "umph" in response, Phil wondered if it would be crossing a relationship line if rifled through the bag to find the list.

“Dan, come to bed with me and we can talk about this after you have a proper rest.”

“And we can talk about Madalyn and love slave business?” Dan mumbled into Phil’s chest before pulling Phil to stand with him. Weakly dragging Phil behind him, Dan made his way to the bedroom, not needing to be awake to know the way.

“Madalyn?” Phil asked confused as they entered the bedroom.

“Mads for short.” Dan sat on the bed while Phil pulled his shoes off. Dan was still in trackies and a soft top, so Phil left his clothing on before lying him down on the bed. Climbing over him, Phil raised the duvet to cover them in a cocoon.

“And who may Mads be?” Phil completed the cocoon by placing another duvet over their heads. One of Dan’s hands was holding tight onto his back and the other searched for Phil’s hand.

Finding it, he left out a cute sigh.

“Family planning.” Dan raised their combined hands and smiled into Phil’s chest before fully falling asleep.

Phil closed his own eyes and attempted to join Dan in sleep. He would have to have proper conversation with Dan once he was coherent. Phil did not believe they were ready for family planning quite yet; however, the idea that Dan saw a long-term future with Phil was comforting.

 

Feeling Dan tracing his eyelids with the tip of his finger, Phil squirmed away from the touch. Dan had opened their cocoon to let some heat out and the daylight to enter.

“Good afternoon?” Dan said smiling. He was not going to break contact to search for a time device; however, from the light and his general feeling of being refreshed from sleep, he could gather it was probably at least past one o’clock.

“Great afternoon.” Phil titled his head upward to kiss Dan’s forehead. “Has your mind settled?”

“Yes. Well, as much as my mind can settle.” Dan returned the kiss on Phil’s forehead and then laid his head back on the pillow to watch Phil’s face. 

Phil was reminded of their Skype calls last year and how Dan would insist they stay connected despite sleep to chance having a moment like this. Both awake after spending time together (back then internet time) and free to stay in bed for a few minutes just appreciating having one another. Phil was nervous during their first quiet morning because Dan just looked so gorgeous and he couldn't believe Dan would ever be as much in love with him as he was with Dan.

As if reading his mind, Dan whispered, "I can't believe you are mine and I get to love you."

Feeling his cheeks warm slightly, Phil repeated the same thing back to Dan.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyric taken from Coleman Hell's "2 Heads"


	3. Me And The Dragon Can Chase All The Pain Away

Reaching for the bright hoodie on the floor, Dan paused and looked toward the clothes pile Phil had in the corner of his room. Rifling through the Phil-scented clothes, Dan stole his favorite top and some soft trackies. If he was going to be the pathetic boyfriend who wore his boyfriend's clothes because he wanted to feel closer to him in his absence, then he was going to go full out. After quickly changing into the clothes and adding the hoodie for warmth, Dan grabbed the duvet off the bed and dragged it behind him into the kitchen area. After securing the closest bottle of liquor, Dan made his way to the lounge.  

Dan was meant to be at uni for another couple hours; however, after zoning out in his first course and having the whole room, professor included, shout his name to get him out of his daze when the course was through, Dan was over the day. It was early afternoon and Phil was busy doing "adult things" so Dan went to his flat and decided to explore Tyria.

He had been stuck in his head for longer than he cared to keep track of and he just couldn't anymore. The real world, minus Phil, was shite and he didn't want to think. His head literally hurt from thinking about his future. He was failing university, probably intentionally because he hated all his courses, and he could just hear his father's voice in his head shouting at him to knuckle down and power through. 

Opening his laptop, Dan wrapped Phil's duvet around his shoulders and sat on the sofa. Starting the game, he began to explore the region. Ignoring the other gamers' chatter, Dan drank from the bottle and wandered aimlessly through the land. At first Dan kept thinking about how he was also wandering aimlessly through his own life; however, after a few minutes of exploring the beautiful graphics, and a few more sips of the brown liquid, Dan's racing thoughts began to slow down and each thought felt slightly fuzzy.

 

"Dan?" Phil asked confused as he came home from his day and found Dan sat on the sofa with his laptop open. Dan was meant to be at uni and he did not expect him home until later. They had planned on meeting Phil's mates for dinner around six, with Phil wondering if that was going to be too early for Dan given his university schedule that day.

After waiting for a reply and getting none, Phil set down his things and walked further into the lounge area. Seeing the nearly empty bottle at Dan's feet, which had been mostly full this morning when he left, Phil paused. Dan had been getting quieter lately. Instead of endless waffle about how his university courses were sucking away his soul and how he couldn't find the right idea for a video, he was left making most of the conversation when they were together. Which was limited this past week because Dan was spending more time in his "prison cell" revising. Phil told himself not to worry about Dan because he was doing the responsible thing and preparing for the exams; however, the behaviour did not fit Dan and he was beginning to miss his boyfriend.

"I have to tell him." Dan said softly as he kept his eyes focused on the screen and moved his avatar away from the cliff overlooking the dark blue water.

"Tell who what?" Phil sat next to Dan and noticed he was wearing his top and bottoms Phil had worn yesterday. They often would share clothes; however, they typically stole items out of the clean laundry.

"I hate university. I hate law." Dan attempted to move the laptop to his floor and winced when it slipped and crashed hard into the thin carpet. He wanted to save it from the fall but the neurons in his brain were not quick enough in his drunken state. "Fuck."

"But who?" Phil easily distracted Dan away from the laptop, which appeared unscathed from the short fall, by placing a hand on his arm. Staring at the worn, tired look on his face, he wondered if Dan had not been sleeping again. He would go through spurts where he would pace at night thinking about what he wanted out of life. If he was at Phil's, then Phil would distract him into bed. However, given that Dan had been spending more time in the halls, his sleep patterns were likely all messed up again.

"My dad. I have to tell him. He has to know. How can he _not_ know?" Dan looked to Phil with sad, red eyes. He's thoughts were still fuzzy and it took all his concentration to form the right words he wanted. "How can he not know that his son is failing him? I'm failing him, Phil."

"Dan..." Phil reached for Dan's hands but was swatted away as Dan moved out of the duvet and stood. It was too warm all of a sudden.

Swaying slightly as he found his ground, Dan looked around the room lost. "Where is my mobile?"

"Dan, you need to sit down." Phil stood to direct Dan back down to the sofa and was shocked when he was somewhat forcefully pushed away. He wasn't used to this Dan and he didn't know now to proceed.

"No, I need to tell him his son failed. He failed at everything. He couldn't be straight. He couldn't keep a job. He can't finish university." Dan's voice lowered as he swayed once more and then fell down to sit back on the sofa. The thoughts were all too much to process. "I failed. The only thing I can do is love you. I'm all I will ever be. Why do you care? I need to tell them too."

Sitting next to Dan on the sofa again, Phil sat unsure what to do. Normally when Dan started down this path, a touch and some reassurance worked to pull him back. Dan had never pushed him away before, drunk or not. He had his suspicions that Dan's coursework was not going well and Dan was regretting his decision to devote his time to a law degree.

"This is what we are going to do: You are going to have a lie down and then we are going to talk about this when you aren't off your tits." Phil held out his hand and waited for Dan to take it before leading them toward the bed.

"Are you going to stay with me?" Dan sounded like a four-year-old with his tone and Phil couldn't help but smile.

"First I'm going to text our friends and tell them we cannot make it. I'll tell them you are feeling poorly and we will reschedule." Phil sighed when he remembered the duvet was still on the sofa. "I'll be right back. Do not move."

Dan curled himself into a ball with a pillow as he waited for Phil to return. Phil. His sweet, sweet Phil. Sweet Phil who is way too good for him and gives him way too much attention. What if he goes away? What will he be then? The thought was too much to bear.

Phil removed the pillow and allowed Dan to curl himself around him instead. After arranging the duvet so it was shared, he brushed back the hair off Dan's face and saw the tears threatening to fall. "Dan? Or you crying?" 

"Please, never leave me." Dan tightened his grip around Phil waist and buried his head in closer into Phi's soft jumper. His stomach began to feel sick. 

"I'm not going anywhere." Phil continued the gentle motion of running his fingers through Dan's hair even after Dan's breathing slowed and Phil knew he was asleep. Grabbing his phone, Phil texted their mates and then went browsing through his social media sites.

 

"Why did you let me drink?" Dan whined from his spot on the cold bathroom floor as he recovered from emptying his stomach into the toilet. His head felt like it had been smashed by a million bricks falling one by one and his stomach continued to make unpleasant sounds. "I hate me so much right now."

Flushing the toilet and then moving back to his spot behind Dan, Phil rubbed his back in a slow, gentle motion. There were so many things he wanted to say to Dan about the evening and what he was talking about before, but it didn't seem like the proper time.

"Aren't we meant to be at a restaurant right now?" Dan closed his eyes tighter as the thought of food passed through his head. He tried to remember what happened after he started playing his game; however, the details were so blurry and scattered. He remembered his stupid decision to take the whole bottle with him and something about being embarrassed at uni.

"Cancelled when I saw you pissed on the sofa." Phil looked towards the door and attempted to hum a tune as Dan once again vomited into the toilet. God, he must love this boy.

"You don't have to do this." Dan laid his head back on the toilet and tried to remember what normal felt like. He was almost too ill to care that Phil had to watch him like this. How the hell did he ever get someone who cared about him this much?

"No, I don't." Phil said with no irritation in his voice as he once again flushed the toilet and resumed his position from before, this time making wider circles on Dan's back.

"Thank you." Dan's voice changed back to a child-like tone and he didn't even care how pathetic he must sound. Pathetic... "I was going on about university and ringing my dad. Oh God, I didn't, did I?"

"No, you couldn't find your phone." Phil changed his circles to squares and then triangles before returning to smaller circles. They sat in the dark and Phil was pretty sure it was past midnight but he wasn't moving until Dan could move off the floor with him.

"I think it is all out." Dan slowly raised his head and looked towards Phil. His stomach wasn't nearly as noisy as before and the idea of making the pain go away was more appealing than the worry of having to swallow a pill. "Can you get me some water and something for being a massive ass?"

 

Once they were again in the bed, Dan with his eyes closed still attempting to will his headache away and resting on Phil's shoulder, snuggle close to his neck, Phil brought up Dan's words from before.

"Do you want to quit university?" Phil said in a neutral tone as he continued to slowly stroke Dan's left arm with his right hand.

Pausing to gather his thoughts, Dan pressed in closer to Phil and allowed himself to stay it out loud. "Yes."

"Would you like to know my opinion?" Phil shifted his gaze down to Dan's face but the angle was off and he couldn't see his expression.

"Please."

"Sit for your exams and then decided what you would like to do. That way, you finished the courses and you can't do yourself in saying you quit."

"And then what?" Dan felt his stomach churn again but it wasn't from the alcohol.

"Whatever you want." Phil kissed the top of Dan's head. "You are smart and creative. You could explore different degrees, get a job doing something you love, or focus more on YouTube."

"And just pray that I can support myself? Because my parents are not going to fund me for the rest of my life."

"Move in with me." Phil brought up a topic they hadn't spoken about since Dan moved to Manchester. Dan had absolutely shot down all talk of living together for fear his father would have too many questions. With Dan's hall room, they would go on pretending Dan spent more time there then he actually did and if his parents were to visit, he would have the room to keep up the appearance. 

"I need to tell my father about you. About me." Dan wondered if his father suspected the friendship he presented to his family was more than he was letting on. He wasn't sure why, but for some reason his father's opinion scared him more than anyone else. "Maybe I can have my grandmother tell him. He wouldn't shout at an old lady."

"Your grandmother knows?" Phil smiled into Dan's hair. Dan had hid this information from him. "What does she say about it?"

"That you are a scrumptious young lad and if she were forty years younger and without granddad, she would be fighting me for you." Dan laughed at grandmother's words and then regretted the laughter as it made his head pound harder. "She said I look happy when I talk about you and that is the best present I could give her." 

"I want to properly meet her now." Phil smiled brighter and shifted to find a more comfortable position, his arm going numb from Dan laying on it. "Maybe your grandmother and my grandmother could have tea with us?"

"Don't go all domestic on me." Dan groaned as Phil moved underneath him and was given a hair kiss as an apology.

As they let the quiet fill the room again, Phil began to plan out the menu for their grandparent tea date and Dan continued to avoid all thoughts in head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from lyric to "My Sweet Prince" Placebo 
> 
> Tyria- Dan is playing Guild Wars


	4. Hold Onto Me 'Cause I'm A Little Unsteady

Phil's skin was extra soft on his back and Dan was enjoying tracing the light freckling into patterns as Phil snored almost as softly as Dan's touch.

Dan had arranged for his father to meet him later that day for a late brunch. He planned on telling him everything: How uni was sucking his existence away from him and how he decided to put more effort into making a go of YouTube. He wasn't entirely sure how his father would react. His father barely knew what YouTube was, with Dan telling him only the bare minimum when he was forced into sharing his secret life with his family. His father wasn't a muppet, he just, like many people, did not know how uploading stories from one's bedroom to people watching videos on the internet was a viable career option outside of the porn industry. Dan wasn't even sure himself if he could make it his career, but the possibility of finding out excited him infinity more than hating a life stuck in a stupid career he picked to please his family. And if he failed, which he probably would, then he could always go back to university for another pursuit at being a proper adult.

Phil and him had decided to find a flat together in order to supplement one another. YouTube money might not be steady for either of them and if one was doing better, then everything would still sort itself out. There was a nagging little voice in the back of his head that kept telling Dan he should be nervous to move in with Phil. They were practically living together already; however, they had never had to discuss rent payments, utilities costs and grocery budgets. He knew their relationship would change, and in many ways he wanted it to change, but it was also terrifying to wonder if they would grow to hate one another if forced to budget finances. It was already too rare to find someone like Phil, a best mate, lover and collaborator all embodied into one person. If he lost him...he stopped himself before his mind started doing stupid circuital thoughts again and he talked himself out of following through with their shared plans

He wasn't sure how much of their relationship he was going to share with his father today. Both his mother and grandmother had encouraged Dan to be honest and confess it all. For Dan was his son and he should be privy to his major life events. And Phil was the best life event to happen to him.

Dan so was lost in his thoughts he didn't notice his canvas had awoken until it turned to face him.

"I don't know what to make of you waking before me." Phil gave a tired smile as he kissed the tips of Dan's fingers, which were held in midair without their canvas to create, before lacing their fingers together. With one eye open, Phil yawned and stretched his arm with the hand combined with Dan's as he asked, "Did you sleep?"

"Some." Dan shifted his body closer to Phil and shivered as Phil's bare skin met his own. "Your knees are cold."

"Warm us up. I think I still have some of your love on me from last night." Phil smirked and then regretted his words as Dan withdrew his hand. Dan wasn't in the mood for inappropriate banter.

Separating himself completely from Phil and the bed, Dan put on his pants and left to get ready for the day. "I'm showering. Alone."

Dan unintentionally intentionally ignored Phil for the rest of the morning as he busied himself preparing for his confessional. Phil's flat was small and it quickly became obvious that Dan was leaving a room just as Phil entered to avoid interacting with Phil. 

"I'm sorry." Phil put down his book and attempted a peace treaty as he watched Dan walk into the lounge, notice Phil briefly and then turn to awkwardly leave the room.

Dan closed his eyes and took a breath. Making his way back into the lounge, he sat on his legs and curled himself into Phil in an attempt at his own apology. "It isn't you." 

"Do you want me to come with you?" Phil had been refraining from talking about Dan's decision to speak with his father for a number of reasons. Firstly, he wanted Dan to ask him he if wanted him there. Secondly, he hoped Dan would feel comfortable enough to not have him there. And selfishly and thirdly, he knew it would be awkward as hell and he didn't want to have to be witness to Dan breaking into hives and stumbling over his own tongue.

"I always want you with me, but no." Dan raised his head from Phil's shoulder and looked him in the eyes. "I need to chat with him on my own. He is my father and this is mine decision."

Giving him a half smile which was meant to be encouraging, Phil leaned forward and kissed him. The kiss was meant to be quick and sweet; however, he felt Dan's tongue seeking entrance and he gladly allowed him to deepen the kiss into a tantalizing rhythm.

They continued to kiss until Dan found himself straddling Phil on the sofa and whimpering when Phil pushed him away. He didn't have time to properly finish what he had started and he looked down to his hands under Phil's shirt as he began to apologize.

"I know." Phil cut him off before he could go into a long detailed waffle about using Phil for a distraction. Phil loved being a distraction for Dan, but now was not the time. "Text me if you need."

"Ugh." Dan removed himself from Phil's lap and adjusted himself quickly. Finding the time and seeing it was half ten, all thoughts of sexy time with Phil were removed from his head. 

Dan began to panic a bit and he felt his skin warm knowing that soon he would be face to face with his father and he would know. For good or for bad, he would know.

"I need to go." Dan patted his jeans to find he had his phone and wallet. Leaning down, he gave Phil a quick kiss and then made his way to the door.

Pausing, Dan walked back quickly and gave him a deeper kiss.

"I'll be here when you are done. Regardless of what he says or what happens, I'm not going anywhere." Phil smiled and stood to walk Dan to the door. "You can do it. Remember, he is the man that helped birth you. He loves you and wants the best for you. He isn't scary."

"I want you to come with me." Dan looked down to his feet as he admitted his dependence on Phil. Shifting his weight back and forth on his feet, he hugged his arms against his waist as he avoided the worried eyes he knew were on him. He told himself countless times he didn't need him there and he could do it on his own, but he was wrong. He couldn't. "I can't...I _can't_."  

"How about this? I will go with you and sit in a shop near the restaurant." Phil stepped closer, forcing Dan to look up at him. "I'll be near you, but I feel you need to talk with him on your own."

Nodding his head, Dan lowered his forehead to Phil's. He wanted Phil sat next to him and he also wanted to avoid the whole situation completely at this point. "We need to go now. If I don't go now, I'm cancelling."

"We will go now."

 

Phil found a coffee shop to tend his coffee addiction while waiting for Dan. Knowing Phil was across the street and sipping his non-peasant coffee, calmed Dan more than he cared to analyze at the moment. He could analyze it later tonight when his mind will inevitability need to explore every minuet detail of the exchange between his father. 

Dan ordered quickly and then spent the rest of the time waiting for their food by answering trivial questions his father was rambling off. He knew his father probably had an idea that this was more than a catching up brunch. He had made his father drive hours to get here and it was the end of his first year away at university.

Somewhere between the trite question and answer session and the arrival of their orders, Dan's father became impatient with the quick replies and lack of eye contact. Dan also could sense that his father was growing impatient but he could not find the right words to start what he wanted to say. He had planned what he wanted to say and gone rounds and rounds through it in his head last night but it all sounded dumb now.

"Can we just get to it?" Dan's father watched as Dan moved his food around his plate without attempt to eat it. "I would like to have a proper conversation without looking at top of your head. All I keep thinking is that you need a haircut and perhaps a chiropractor."

Dan felt the blood rush through his body and he felt cold and hot at the same time. _Open your mouth you stupid git!_

"I have decided I would be a crap lawyer and I don't want to continue with a law degree." Dan mumbled most of the words, his heart pounding in his chest, and then looked up to face his father. 

"I hate it when you talk like you have marbles in your mouth."

"I have decided I do not want to continue with a law degree. Mum and I discussed it and she said I didn't have to." His face was warm and he knew he must look flushed. He had taken to poking the pongs of his fork through the meat on his plate and it was beginning to make an annoying sound.

"What are you changing your degree focus to?" His father's eyes were drawn to the sound of the fork hitting the plate. "And for God's sake, stop doing that."

"I'm not." Dan sat down the fork and willed his breathing to even out.

"You're not?" His father sat back further in the chair, his own fork abandoned on his plate.

"I'm taking a gap year and am going to do more videos." His father did not look pleased; however, he also did not appear to comprehend fully what Dan was attempting to express.

"That internet thing? Again? I thought you were over that."

"I was focusing on law because I had to but I want to make a go of making YouTube full time. There are people that do it for their career. They make money-"

"Dan, I know school has not been your thing lately but you need a degree to get ahead. Employers do not hire based on internet views or counts or whatever you call them."

"If this works out, I won't need an employer. I would be my own boss." Dan's words were sounding stronger as he continued but his body was still betraying his nerves.

"And where will you live? Are you moving back home?"

"No. That is the other thing." Dan felt his tongue getting bigger in his mouth and he knew his neck was covered in hives from the heat it was radiating. "I'm going to live with Phil."

"Phil. The mate that you met here?"

"Yes. You met him many times." Dan forced himself to keep eye contact.

"He does the video thing too, right?"

"Yes. We are both going to focus on making videos and we have some ideas to expand our content."

"And when this all goes to hell?"

"I need to try. Dad. I can't face another class or another paper about something I literally want to stab myself in the face whenever I think about."

"Just keep it as an option. That is all I ask." His father went back to his food, believing the conversation was through.

Pushing away his plate, Dan attempted to sort the fifty conversations he had going on in his head at once.

After some time, his father sat down his fork again. "Why do I feel there is something else?"

Clenching his fists so his fingernails dug into the palms of his hands, Dan mumbled with his face down to his abandoned food. "Phil and I won't be living together as mates."

"I don't understand. How else could you live together?"

"We would be living together. Properly together, _together_." Dan peeked up to gauge his father's reaction as his stomach began to burn.

"You're gay now?"

"No. I..."

"Either you are gay or you are not. Living together with a man that is not just your _mate_ is beginning to sound like you are gay." His father's voice lowered realizing some of the negative attention their exchange was drawing in the small restaurant.

"It isn't like that. It isn't black and white..."

"Dan, are you gay?"

"No!" Dan rose to his full height in the chair and looked around the room, seeing many people staring back at him. If Phil was here, he would have better words to explain this and he wouldn't have judging eyes on him.

"I don't understand. What the fuck are you then? In my day, you fuck other men than you are gay."

"I'm bisexual. Probably a solid four on the Kinsey scale if you buy into that." The eyes were still on them and Dan went back to looking at the table and mumbling his words.

"A four? What am I?"

"Going by the fact you are married to Mum and have never talked about wanting to bed another man, then you are likely a zero."

"This is when I'm suppose to say I'm dead chuffed you are happy and all that nonsense?" His father pushed away his own plate.

"You don't have to say anything. Mum knows. Grandmother knows. I wanted to tell you for some time but I didn't know how."

"You had a girlfriend for years! What was that? Needed to be like the other lads at school?" His voice was loud again and the waitstaff were beginning to talk with one another as they looked in their direction.

"No. I loved her. Bisexual, Dad. Bi equals two. Both genders. I like both but maybe men more than women."

"I still need time to wrap my head around this. You are not just doing this to deflect dropping out of university?"

"Dad!" Dan clenched his jaw seeing their waiter approach the table. After being assured they would quiet their conversation and that all was well, the waiter informed them he would be back soon with their tab.

 

Neither of them spoke until after they had left the restaurant.

His father paused before he left to return to his car and made sure Dan was giving him his full attention. "I might not understand this right now, but I want to."

"Thank you." Dan said with sincerity.

"Don't thank me for being a decent person. Society has not come to that, I hope."

"I love you? If that better?" Dan smiled as he joked with his father. He knew and the world didn't cease to spin around. He was still red and felt ill; however, he didn't feel like throwing up anymore and his breathing had evened out.

"Makes you sound like a poof." His dad said with a smile on his face. Raising his hands at Dan's shocked expression, he laughed, "What? Too soon? Is there a pamphlet embarrassing parents can get to cover situations like this?"

"Shut up." Dan laughed and looked down to his feet again.

"Give us a hug." His father stepped into his space and Dan gave his father a quick embrace.

"Drive safe." Dan called out to his father after they said their goodbyes.

 

Seeing Dan give his father a hug and then rush across the street, Phil stood and went to greet Dan outside, his second cup of coffee half gone.

"How did-" Phil was cut off as Dan tackled Phil into a tight hug and almost knocked over an elderly gentleman behind them. Telling the man sorry quickly, Phil hugged back Dan almost as tight.

"Just give me a minute." Dan closed his eyes and buried himself into Phil's shoulder. Knowing that his father knew and he didn't have to think about what he was going to say anymore, Dan felt the lack of sleep rush over him and all he wanted was to sleep curled up with Phil.

"Take your time." Phil smiled into Dan's hair and lowered his arms so he could rest them around Dan's waist. They were stood in front of a busy shop and people needed to walk around them, but neither of them cared at the moment.

 

Across the street, Dan's father witnessed the tackle hug and long embrace. He had wanted to ask Dan how long his mother and grandmother knew, but after seeing them it felt wrong to interrupt and he figured he could just ask his wife and mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from lyric from X Ambassadors "Unsteady"


	5. And I’ll Always Feel You in My Blood

It still felt like a hotel stay or that they were playing house. The space around them not quite "theirs" yet.

In every sense of the word though, the flat was "theirs." Their kitchen, their bills, their shopping list, their laundry, their rent, etc.

It was loads different for Dan than just staying at Phil's flat. He had his own room and his own area to place his things next to Phil's things, which were next to their newly purchased "their" things as well. It was all mixing together and Dan was still waiting for the realization that he should be freaking out over the change, or that Phil should be freaking out. Their lives were melding together and both seemed completely at ease with the transition.

Everyone that was important to him and Phil knew they were together. His father was still sorting out the information; however, his reaction was infinitely better than Dan had worried and stewed about before sharing the news. His brother was being an asshat about the knowledge that his older brother was in a committed relationship with another man, as to be expected. Dan would have probably reacted the same way if their roles had been reversed and his brother had announced randomly that he was withdrawing from his studies and moving in with a man to pursue a career on the internet. One day maybe he would be able to have a proper conversation with his brother; however, until that day, he was content knowing that they loved one another and would have time to become closer once his brother grew out of his "younger brother" role in their relationship.

"Wait." Dan grabbed both of Phil's bare hips to still him. He was laid on the floor of Phil's room, a plushie behind his own hips to help support him, and Phil fully inside him. It was late in the evening and both of them should have been editing; however, Dan was stuck with a sequence and decided distracting Phil would be loads more interesting than staring at himself on computer. He didn't mean for them to have sex, just a few kisses and cuddles for inspiration, but Phil wanted more and soon both laid on the floor without their clothes.

"Are you alright?" Phil ceased his movement and brushed some sweaty hair out of his eyes, looking down at Dan with genuine concern on his face. Shifting his weight so that he rested on his hands, Phil moved inside of him and involuntarily moaned. Keeping eye contact, Phil asked, "Do you want me to..."

"No!" Dan shook his head quickly as he wrapped his hands around the small of Phil's back and latched one of his legs around Phil's to keep him in place. He loved it when Phil was pressed up against him like this, both of their bodies working together in a familiar rhythm toward a shared goal. If he was honest with himself, he would admit that he never felt safer than when he was fully connected to him like this and when they were not connected he longed to have him return. He couldn't admit it because that still scared him: Phil could always leave and Dan would be left a mess. A sad puddle of despair. Additionally, he felt Phil would either tease him mercilessly given the sappy sentiment or leg it knowing Phil held so much responsibility with Dan's emotions.

"Are you going to..." Phil smirked and shift his body again so he could use one hand to reach for Dan between them. "I could..."

"No." Dan shook his head again, this time slower, and raised his hips up to tease Phil, smirking in turn when he got the reaction he was hoping for with the movement. The first few times they had had sex, Dan requested Phil get him off before entering him so he would be able to last longer the second time. Once the initial reaction was done, Dan could enjoy the moment more as his body recovered from the first release. "I'm not eighteen anymore. I just..."

"What is it?" Phil bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes as Dan continued slow movements underneath him. Tensing his shoulders, he used all of his willpower to not move back against Dan. The boy was sweet torture most of the time, especially when he was doing it on purpose.

"I want to talk about us and our future." Dan raised his head to kiss Phil's neck, kissing a trail up to his ear before continuing, "I want this forever."

"It is going to be very quick if you don't stop." Phil pulled back from Dan sucking on his ear, and whimpered as his ear turned cold without the added heat of his mouth. "We need to sort out our future right this moment?"

"Yes." Dan pressed his hips up again as he pulled down on Phil's lower back, encouraging Phil to find their rhythm again, and attacked Phil's willing mouth. After a few minutes, Dan suddenly stopped all movement again and licked his lips at the wrecked expression on Phil's face. "Where do you see our future?"

Ignoring Dan in hopes of distracting him, Phil licked along Dan's lower lip and started moving his hips again, in alternating gentle and quick movements. Feeling Dan lock his hips and bear down, his hands lowering to Phil's ass to hold him still. Phil attempted to get any pressure he could until giving up with a frustrated groan. "Good Lord, Dan. Are you mad? I cannot form sentences right now, let alone have a deep conversation with you about our future."

"I love you. This is my forever." Dan tilted his hips up and returned to their previous rhythm, meeting Phil's thrusts with his own as he pushed Phil's hair off his face with both of his hands. Holding his head to keep the hair back, Dan gave small kisses to Phil's lips. "Am I your forever?"

"Forever and more." Phil buried his head into Dan's neck and started sucking a spot behind his ear as he increased the speed and force of his hips. Dan's arms wrapped underneath his arms and across his upper back, exposing his neck to allow Phil better access and pressing Phil close to his chest. Hearing the answer he needed, he allowed his mind to completely focus on Phil and the moment. 

After both had finished and Phil had gently removed himself from Dan, he moved to lie on his back. With both of them attempting to find their breath again, Phil turned his neck to find Dan staring back. Phil was confused about what had just happened but he allowed a few more minutes to pass as he searched Dan's face for answers.

"Do you not understand how much I'm all in for this?" Phil turned and pressed against Dan's side. Phil made sure Dan kept contact with his body as he continued. "I have wanted this since I first knew what it was like to love someone. I'm not scared by this, by you. I know this is right. I can feel this is right. I want this forever. Literally."

"I'm scared by forever. I'm not scared by you." Dan looked down to Phil's bare chest pressed against his upper arm. He was going to be that weepy, clingy insecure person again, but he felt it was appropriate. "I never want you to leave. Promise me you won't leave."

"I promise you I will not leave." Phil kissed Dan's nose. "I couldn't bear to leave."

"Remind me every now and again." Dan smiled and he stood and pulled Phil with him. "I can't promise you I won't freak out again about this."

"We can freak out together." Phil laughed as he was drug out of the room to the shower. "Forever."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from lyric from "Fire and the Flood" by Vance Joy 
> 
> You’re the fire and the flood  
> And I’ll always feel you in my blood  
> Everything is fine  
> When your hand is resting next to mine  
> Next to mine  
> You’re the fire and the flood

**Author's Note:**

> Video to accompany the story: https://youtu.be/i4NKprlz13k


End file.
